Have you ever tried a chiropractor? Well, I signed up for health insurance because of it. Many years past, I joined BUPA extras as they offered chiro rebates. At uni, I tried out this practice downtown. They were on the seventh floor of an older building. I went there thrice a week and the results were very promising. My posture was getting better. Sadly, I stopped as I couldn’t marshall the time.

Twenty one six

In 2016, I returned. The licensee was still there but everything had changed. From the receptionist to the design, the facelift wasn’t subtle. The prices had gone up. Chiropractors are never good value. They charge you way too much for what’s essentially a three-minute spinal manipulation. In my experience, there was no variety in their ‘treatment’. Five minutes and you’re gone. They have been referred to as practitioners of a pseudo-science. No offence, but they’re basically quack doctors. Want results? Go somewhere else.

To be honest, I’ve seen more progress with acupuncture than this joke. The latter actually gave me a clear mind to tackle the world. In years of adjustments, my posture never improved. By heading to them, you’re only making them rich. It’s very much a one-way street. You get nothing out of it. Just the blind, unfounded hope that your back will ameliorate.

Miller Time

The only exception is Mike Miller’s chiropractor. Miller was a standout three point shooter who spent time with the champion Miami Heat. In the 2012 NBA Finals, he was practically in a gurney. Couldn’t play defence. Could barely run. Even the announcers were egging the Thunder to attack Miller as he was the weakest player on the court. The next year, after working with his chiro, he played all 82 contests. He seemed a different person. His chiro was really good, but the rest are serial thieves. In other words, nothing but scammers. As they say, they’re ’wolves in sheep’s clothing’.

Active Topher

Since stopping my chiro visits, I’ve been doing exercises. In the past month or so, I’ve seen improvement in my standing posture. This never happened with my chiropractor visits. Exercise adequately and religiously and there’s no reason why your standing posture would not resolve.

I’m glad with my progress. However, my sitting posture is a tougher nut to crack. I’m used to slouching on my high back chair. It takes a lot of discipline to repair old habits. Repetition is key.

Quackery

You’d wonder why only four or five unis offer chiro in Oz. Despite big returns, the profession has never caught on here. These clowns pretend that there’s something wrong with your spine. Subluxation is their blanket term for everything back related. These sadists are so professional that they think they could banish lower back pain. Please. They’re hardly better than those faith healers in Southeast Asia. The only difference? The inviting practice and awards on their wall.

After COVID, I decided that chiro was unnecessary. Without warning, I ceased going to the scammer. Mind you, he was very business-minded, always thinking of ways to fleece his unsuspecting clientele. I bought a few items. They were all rubbish and had no effect whatsoever on my back. Just a lame, pathetic excuse for more $$$. As they say, ‘There will be no fooling if there are no fools’.

In fairness, he was always nice to me. Supportive of my writing prowess. Grateful that I mentioned him multiple times in my memoir. That was because he was getting my cash. He has $$ for eyes. I only entered the dragon weekly. If you multiply that by forty weeks per year, it was a lot of dough. After twelve visits was the evaluation. He appraised my posture, which was always the same. To be honest, the whole entire fiasco was ludicrous. I gradually went less, before stopping completely.

He prided himself as the perennial front runner among Sydney chiros. He has been featured a few times on the news. Like me, a lover of books. We often chatted about our latest reads. Tuesdays with Morrie was his favourite read. I introduced him to Karin Slaughter and Michael Connelly. Gave him a copy of Andre Agassi’s Open. I also recommended a few series on Netflix. He didn’t get American Vandal. He did enjoy YouTube eps of Scam City. He should probably be the all in one antagonist. Originally from the States, we’re both dual nationals.

Imagine

Before this, I stopped turning up to the acupuncturist. These are inessential. If you condition your brain that you don’t need these services, then you won’t. You could straighten your back and sharpen your mind bereft of these wombats. These days, I only use my cover for dental and optical.

He told me a few times, ‘Imagine the millions we’ve saved by borrowing books at the library’.

To paraphrase this, ‘Imagine the millions who weren’t saved by turning up at chiropractors.’

People are gullible. We want such quick fixes that we don’t recognise a placebo. That’s the perfect term for chiro: an unproven, unregulated, silly, unnecessary joke. Weird Al Jankovic would be proud.