What are we to make of snakes? Not your average pet, they’re not as popular as cats and dogs. Instead, we see them in zoos and reptile parks. History is littered with cautionary tales of the serpent. (See also: Adam and Eve).

As a kid, we watched this Saturday evening story about a man-eating snake in Mindoro, Philippines. It was part of Magandang Gabi Bayan (MGB). The snake’s huge body alarmed onlookers. At the time, a villager was missing. The eagle-eyed citizenry put two and two together, pouncing on the reptile. When slain, they tore open its belly. Surprise! Inside was the villager’s corpse.

The next week, we talked about the story. Our teacher, Mrs. Esguerra, gamely joined in the discussion. Sitting at the last row, I was wary that an anaconda might gobble my gulliver off. Some pedagogues would go straight to the lesson. Not Mrs. Esguerra, our class adviser. She was four-eyed and that year, she retired. 

She showed us how to deal with problem students. When the scalawag misbehaved, she just ignored him. When disruptive, she said that the boy might be a school disrupter. However, in most other environments, he’d be royalty.

She told a World War II story. Back then, she was a kid. The murderous Japanese barged into their home. They laid waste of everything as the Esguerras crouched in fear. One of the Nipponese soldiers came out with a urinal.

‘Mangkong Pilipino maraki sa lahit!’ (Filipino cup, bigger than everything)

He then drank from it. As a child, I took it in. A few years later, I began to doubt its veracity.

Mrs. Esguerra was known for being kind and gentle. Many moons ago, she had taught my father. Even as she aged, she remained cool and calm. She adopted this girl, who became our schoolmate. We ran into her in the playground.

Mrs. Esguerra had a going away lunch. We brought some items into class to celebrate her coming retirement. I was lucky to be one of her final students. I told my mum about the event but I forgot to include the word ‘retirement’. Others brought noodles, garlic bread, fried chicken, etc. A classmate brought some water. My dad said that their business was on its last legs.

When I told her of the retirement bit, I should’ve communicated this better. My former adviser is in her eighties now, if she’s still alive.

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Rolando Gillete was a high school batch mate. We were once gym classmates. He posed on Facebook with a massive snake. This drew attention and likes.

‘The snake’s not moving,’ one of the commenters pointed out.

Rolando was cool, though a handful. He was on the swimming team, but chose basketball. By junior year, he had cracked the varsity rotation. As a senior, he was the starting guard on our high school squad. I often saw him in pickup games around campus.

Anyway, before starring on the varsity, he saw a ball lying around. He was near mid-court. With his right hand, he flung the ball to the rim. Nothing but net.

The onlookers were impressed. When he was gone, one of them joked that he had been slinking off since early morning. He had practiced the shot a hundred times.

Later, a similar thing transpired. President Obama had picked a ball and shot it one-handed from beyond the arc. Swish. This time, the practice rejoinder made sense. The campaigning leader, unlike Rolando, didn’t have time for full-court action.

Snakes are part of Philippine lore. An urban myth held that a business tycoon had a snake for a son. The man (bless his soul) had everything. He was born with a silver spoon. Yet this could not avert his fate. There was a change room incident. The son-snake almost masticated on a young Showbiz starlet. Almost. Thankfully, she escaped.

The urban legend inspired a matinee program. I watched this while munching on Piattos. On the show, a guy was at the movies when a snake loses the plot. He gets gobbled in three bites. Another time, a patron is watching a flick when he notices slithering behind him. He gets out his hammer and was ready to murder the serpent. The dad, played by Tirso Cruz III, grabs him and prevents the deed. Now that the patriarch is gone, I wonder who would look out for this scaly family member.

A bigger name in snake land is obviously Nagini. Lord Voldemort’s trusty sidekick has slithered his way into our imaginations. Slytherin, one of the four Hogwarts houses, has a serpent in its insignia. Indeed, snakes feature prominently in the Potterverse. After all, Harry could communicate with them. While cunning, Rowling portrays them as smart.

In high school, I woke up early and caught this sensual Pedro Almodovar film, Hable con Ella (Talk to her). A guy consoles his lover after a huge snake threatens her. Though a dated picture, I’d definitely recommend that flick.

More recently, the popularity of Cobra Kai on Netflix has highlighted snakes to younger audiences. The show is an extended coda of The Karate Kid franchise. Over three decades since the latter’s release, the show brings back familiar faces. At the same time, Cobra introduces new ones. The dojo’s mantra is, ‘Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy.’

The All-Valley tournament is resurrected. A lifetime ago, Daniel LaRusso emerged victorious. The show foregrounds a new generation of karatistas. Cobra is a must-watch for snake fans. Aside from martial arts, the series has healthy helpings of humour. Upon witnessing a nerd karate chop some bullies, I got off my perch and started swinging my arms wildly. In the process, I almost hit my dog, Morlock. Just kidding…

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Snakes don’t only reside in the animal kingdom. They exist in popular culture and are almost always the enemy. Very rare is the day when a snake is your friend. Many movies have portrayed serpents as cunning. My friend Ritter once told me that Snakes on a plane was formulaic.

‘They need to think of better enemies than those snakes.’

‘They released a new sequel, Snakes on a train.’

‘Snakes are so uncool. They must try harder,’ he told me.

In the Philippines, this film was called Zuma. A scary guy had a yellow snake draped round his shoulder. I think Rolando was channelling him. Playing on cable TV a few times, I found it sophomoric.

This sexy film had a Casanova (Gardo Versoza) with a few girlfriends. A snake bit one of the lasses in the thigh, which led to her demise.

Armaconda was the greatest snake movie never made. For your information, the title is a portmanteau of Amageddon and Anaconda. The feature would’ve starred Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, or Bennifer in short. Affleck would battle snakes in outer space. He would save humanity from Doomsday. He’d also rescue Jennifer from sneaky crawlers.

In Nokia phones, the popular snake game has you eating the apple as you keep growing. The snake must only go in open territory, otherwise it’s game over. The pad’s direction keys would direct the serpent. The thrill of besting the high score was always invigorating. I would bump this up from 700 all the way to 1400. Other schoolmates were in on the craze. The trick was going on a zigzag to maximise the space. With a new high score, the sound effects were cool. So popular was this basic game that the company brought it back to their 4G handsets.

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Serpents are often maligned. They are wiley man-eaters. They’re venomous and home wreckers. They’ll strike when you look away, hiss, and bite like they meant it. They’re lethal in crunch time like the late Black Mamba. One thing though: they’re consistent. While they’re pigeonholed as the villain, they do get much exposure. As they say, ‘There is no such thing as bad publicity.’